I have seen this before, but hidden in the humor may be a fairly clear idea of how secession will actually occur in North America in the near future.
December 16, 2008
Transcript of a phone conversation between Mark Sanford (roman) and President George Bush
(italic):
“Good Morning, Mr. President. This is President Mark Sanford of the Independent Republic of South Carolina. I hope you’ve seen a copy of the diplomatic instruments we delivered last night to the State Department and—”
“Listen, Governor, this whole thing is an outrage! If you think—“
“I am a president, Mr. President, as you will see in those instruments. The people of South Carolina elected me to head the new constitution they approved when they voted so overwhelmingly for separation. Let us treat each other with the respect do to equal sovereigns.”
“Equal, what the hell do you mean equal?! You’re the tinpot head of an illegal and unconstitutional state, I’m the head of the mightiest army in the world, and you ought to be damn thankful that we haven’t bombed you to the Stone Age.”
“We are grateful for that, Mr. President, though of course you know that well over two-thirds of the military personnel in this state—including all of the 27,000 Reserves and National Guard, are supporters of secession, are happy citizens of the new South Carolina, and would not have been a part of any military operation you might have thought of launching. Besides, we have established a kind of camp for the soldiers who did not want to become citizens, and we will ship them wherever they want to go, at our expense, as soon as possible. They, and all other Federal personnel who chose not to take citizenship, are being treated very well and will soon be repatriated.
“And while we’re on that subject, Mr. President, I trust you have read in the documents where we have offered extremely handsome sums for the six Federal military bases. Similarly with Federal office buildings. The Interstate Highways, as you know, are state property, but if you want a return on your original investment in them, we can negotiate that. And as for the national park lands, in the interest of burying the hatchet we will not seek compensation for your seizure, use, and long tenure of them, and just call it even.”
"Listen, Sanford, all this is a load of cow-poo, as we say in Texas. You can’t secede from the United States. It’s illegal, and we proved that 150 years ago.””No, Mr. President, it’s not illegal, not even unconstitutional—go read the thing, it says nothing at all about secession—and all you proved back then is that a government that turns dictatorial can carry out the wishes of a rising corporate plutocracy at the cost of an incredible, and incredibly stupid, loss of lives. And you’re not going to do that again.”
“Yeah, why not?”
“Because, sir, you are discredited and disgraced, your Administration has no moral authority whatsoever after your illegal wars, your economic meltdown, your lies, and your shredding of the Constitution--and your military would not obey any orders from you after your thoroughly contemptible conduct as commander-in-chief. Besides, before we declared independence we made sure to get backing for our cause from the United Nations Human Rights Council and thirty-five nations which themselves were created by secession, including all of the former Soviet republics, all of the former Yugoslav states, Slovakia, Czech Republic, Belgium, Norway, Switzerland, Sweden, Panama, Taiwan, East Timor, Singapore, Portugal, and Ireland. It would be beyond even your crude unilateralism to go up against that much world opinion. Even if you could.”
“Listen, Sanford, we have no intention of letting you get away with this. If I can’t use military force, then we’ll try something else. How about a boycott—how’d you like that? A call to Bentonville, Arkansas, and there goes your Wal-Marts. Another to Minneapolis, and no more Targets. How you people going to like that, Mr. Secession?”
“Go ahead and try it, won’t worry us. Why shouldn’t Wal-mart want to keep on doing business here, in another foreign country, like they do around the world? No never-mind to them that we’re not part of the U.S. Except that they could figure that people would have a whole lot more disposable income if they weren’t sending off $23 million in taxes to Washington, DC every year. That might make them very eager to do more business with us.”
“You think I’m a Texas knuckle-knocker, boy? I know full well you get a lot more money from us up here than you pay in. You’re not getting that any more. You’ll be living in tin-roof shacks.”
“Well, that is one thing you’re right about, Mr. President. In fact we get about 25-35 cents back for every dollar we send you in taxes. But in the first place, we’re no longer a part of that failed economic system you people put together, and that odious trillion-dollar bigshot bailout, no longer liable for the immense debt you ran up, no longer going to even be using American currency, and we’re not going down your dollar-based rathole. Second, you forget that most of that money that comes from Washington goes straight to the military establishment here, doesn’t do much for the wider economy, and we won’t need to be supporting that military any more cause we have our own national guard, so we just don’t need the money. And to top it off, we now no longer have to pay all that money to follow all the rules and regulations you’ve put on agriculture, and businesses, and industry, and schooling, and everything else the Feds put their noses into, and we’ll have a whole lot of extra money."
“All in all, Mr. President, we figure we’re going to be a little Southern Switzerland, running our own economic affairs for our own benefit, free and transparent banking, small markets with a lot of self-sufficiency, proud and prosperous and, may I say, palmy.”
”You sunuvabitch, you won’t get away with this. We’ll—"
“Forgive me for interrupting, Mr. President, but it might be wise for you to take some time to reflect on what I’ve said. Perhaps get some of the wiser heads in that city together and let them tell you not just how legal and permissible is what we have achieved, but how right and just and proper, and how it may even point the way for other states to follow our lead and allow your rotten and incompetent Federal government to shrink to a reasonable size where democracy and accountability can be restored.
“In sum, Mr. President, we ask you to remember the flag that was created for the first American Navy at the beginning of the War of Secession in 1775 by an honored son and delegate of the South Carolina colony by the name of Colonel Christopher Gadsden, a copy of which was also given to the South Carolina legislature to fly at the capital. It showed a fierce eastern diamondback rattlesnake—an animal that did not exist in Britain—whose tongue was flickering and hissing, with the words beneath—and I would like to impress them on you, Mr. President—DON’T TREAD ON ME.
“Good morning, Mr. President.”
And that’s the end of the transcript.
Virtual buckeye to Kirkpatrick Sale at the
Middlebury Institute.